July

What in the heck happened to July? One post? Did we not live life?

It's true that not much of excitement happened to us in July. No trips. No big adventures. Just lots of swimming and staying in the house to stay cool.

But I'm not going to lie. July was a pretty rough month for me emotionally around here. Not one but three marriages of family and close friends were unraveling, and this was not easy for me to process. It is so saddening to me, and so hard to watch the difficulties of others where there is not a lot I can do but support, offer things I can help with like childcare, and make phone calls with encouraging words.

The end of May, my brother-in-law came to stay with us indefinitely as his marriage was on the brink. This is the same brother who got married the day after we did, and due to issues that had been developing for years, they could no longer be under one roof. He couldn't afford to be on his own, so we offered up our extra bedroom. We've been trying to help him as he suffers from depression, financial struggles, and addiction issues, but it's hard. The depression has caused him to seize up in his own life. Neither he nor his wife seem to be fighting for their marriage, and so while they have not officially filed or said they will be divorcing, I don't think chances are good that their marriage will survive.They don't have children, so I don't know that they feel it's worth it to either of them. He left to go work in Utah for his brother for the remainder of the summer, so he's been gone from our house for the last month. I don't know what his plans are when he returns, but I hope that he can begin to put his life together and move forward.

Then in early July I got a call from my sister Jill saying that she had separated from Rob and they would likely be divorcing. I wasn't altogether surprised to get the news on that one. She and Rob have had struggles for years, but they seemed to keep things civil, and they have their two girls who are now 5 and 7. Even as recently as the middle of June when we were all in Utah to celebrate my dad's wedding, things seemed to be okay. I wouldn't have predicted things would blow apart a few weeks later. But true to Jill form, she makes huge decisions very quickly, and so the marriage was done, she was moving out and moving on.

The girls are coping, but I worry about them. Jill has found a temporary place to live but will have to move again at the end of October, and she will need to furnish a place. She and Rob are trying to work out details of finances and custody, but it hasn't been easy. They are trying to do it without lawyers or mediators, but when you are in conflict, such hot button issues can be hard to navigate on your own without continually coming to impasses.

I help where I can without trying to get too involved. It's messy, and I know Jill doesn't really want my advice. I could be more help if she lived closer to me, but even with the change in her life, she would like to stay in the area where she is which is about 45 minutes away. I do what I can and try to keep up as the situation seems to change daily.

Then the latest has been a close friend who is at the beginning of the process of divorcing her husband after being to willing to do so much forgiving in order to keep her family together. Her husband is bipolar and refused to medicate for the last nine or ten months, and so he has spiraled out of control with dangerous and risky behaviors. I suppose he is choosing to medicate in his own ways, but it has been disastrous. They have a one year old, and my friend is worried about custody because of her husband's erratic and dangerous behaviors. She has been seeing it coming, so she has prepared in other ways like with money and living situation. She works full time as an online high school teacher, so she is able to be home much of the time with her child. She is strong, but my heart aches for her. She never would have thought this would happen when she got married three years ago. He was almost literally a different person then.

And so I am reminded of the faith we take in people to be good. The faith we have when we get married that both people will honor each other and give up a certain amount of selfishness in order to make the other person happy. Marriage is no easy thing. It takes constant work and vigilance. Perhaps when things seem to be at the easiest in a relationship, the most work and attention needs to be given in order to avoid complacency.

I am grateful for my marriage. I am grateful to learn and grow with Enoch. We are far from perfect, but the work is worth it. Forgiving, loving, being more selfless is worth it. We have been reading How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, and it has been a wonderful way to think about framing our relationships with our children, and it has also been wonderful in helping is frame our marriage relationship. Empathy, articulation of emotion, and seeking productive emotional coping solutions to life's problems can be helpful in any relationship. I would recommend this book to anyone at any time in their lives. It may not help these friends and family now in the past relationships, but it can help moving forward. I am grateful for how it has helped me.

I am glad July is over. With the new school year and fall approaching, I am hoping for better things for everyone.