My dad

My dad with my nephew Pete in the summer of 2013.

It was just over a year ago on April 10th that my dad passed away after battling prostate cancer. My relationship with my dad was always complicated at best, but seeing him pass away wasn't without its sadness. Perhaps one of the most startling realities of his passing was that now I had no more living parents. My siblings and I were orphans, but we have carried on, and a year later, I want to record a few memories of those last weeks of his life and his funeral.

My dad didn't talk much on the phone in the last few months of his life. His hearing was poor, and so talking on the phone was very difficult for him. Occasionally we would text back and forth. Usually he would just say he was doing fine and that he loved us and wanted me to give Asher and Julia a love from him. Communications were brief. But when my sister Megan called in the middle of March last year to say he wasn't doing well and that he had been put on hospice care, I knew I needed to make a decision quickly on whether or not I should make a visit to see him. I remember having the distinct feeling that I should go and that I should go soon--like if I waited a month or six weeks, it might be too late. I jumped on the Allegient Airlines website, and decided to head up to Utah about 2 and a 1/2 weeks later. And I am so glad that I did. That ended up being the last weekend that he was alive.

It was not easy to see him in those final days. He wasn't very coherent and was sleeping most of the time. He was also so thin and frail. He hadn't eaten much in days, and so it was like seeing him as skin and bones. His wife Bev was wonderful, though. She sat and chatted with us for several hours as he would rouse every so often. She took wonderful care of him, and made sure that he was not alone in his final days. I am grateful that she was there and willing to care for him. The were only married less than a year, and he was sick much of that time, so she was more of a nurse to him than anything else, but she said that she learned a lot about love and service in her time with him.

After getting in a couple of different visits at my dad's apartment that weekend, I was glad that I was able to say good-bye and tell him I loved him. That closure was important for me. I also was able to have a good visit with my Aunt Jennine, my sister Megan, my sister Kim, and Linda and Lynette Weight that weekend. I missed my kids and Enoch, but I needed to be there for my own closure and emotional healing. I knew very well when I left on the plane, that my dad likely would be gone within the week, and that I would be returning soon with my family.

And my dad only lived another three days. He passed away early on Thursday morning. His passing was peaceful, and Bev and my sister Megan took the lead on funeral arrangements. My dad left no instructions of ideas of what he wanted. Truth be told, I don't think my dad would have ever wanted to talk about his funeral. I don't think he ever really let himself think about his death. To the end, he always thought there would be something that doctors could do.

We all arrived in Utah for the funeral. My little family mostly stayed with my Aunt Jennine in Roy. My dad was buried there so we figured it would be fairly easy for getting around. It was good to be with my siblings, to share memories, tell stories, laugh, and sometimes be frustrated for the way things went with my dad. Having a good relationship with him was hard for all of us.

My older brother and sister both shared memories and the eulogy at my dad's funeral. I think they captured a lot of his complexity well. I think they also managed to shed some light on why my dad seemed to struggle in his relationships. His childhood included several significant traumas for a child to endure--the death of his mother, a stern father, heavy drinking in the family. So my dad developed the habit of wandering and performing as a means of coping. I think this means it was hard for anyone to ever really get close to him--to really know him.

But he knew how to work hard, and he certainly instilled in us the importance of education and literacy. We also have a love of music and musical theater that is in part due to him. My own childhood was one largely of happiness and opportunity because my dad provided for us and supported us in having lessons and developing our talents. I feel very fortunate in that regard.

The funeral also included a musical number by all the daughters but Amy. Bev's son and three of his friends also did a quartet musical number that my dad would have loved. Really, I think my dad would have enjoyed the tribute to him we did in that funeral.

Then we drove up to Roy for his burial there next to our mother. There was a military honor guard because of his service in Vietnam and my brother in law Stuart dedicated the grave. My favorite part of the graveside, though, was the single bagpiper who played at the beginning and at the end. It was perfect, and I know my dad would have loved that. Nothing like hearing Amazing Grace being played on the bagpipes. Then we went to a nearby church for a luncheon with family and friends. I appreciated all those who came and supported us. We are blessed with many wonderful people in our lives.

It was a week of many emotions. I am glad I could share the experience with all of my siblings there. My children will really have no memory of him, but I hope over the years, I can share with them a sense of who he was even with his imperfections. He had his faults, but he meant well, and I owe a lot to him. He did much to support our family and to support the dreams we had.

The seven siblings after the funeral luncheon.